The Quaking Post   "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness"

Volume 10, Issue 2 Summer 2000

Peace at Home

The Spring Religious Education retreat was well attended. We were presented with rather extreme heat for the first weekend in May, but the river comforted us and gave us a time of reflection on our workshop activities. Here is a summary of the weekend by one of our facilitators, Maggie Allen Morris.

Understanding Conflict

The sacred ground of Shiloh Camp welcomed families and Friends for a weekend retreat considering conflict resolution in our families, and religious education. We opened with a Peace Celebration, offering around a campfire our wishes for a world more full of peace. Some examples: fair opportunities for all, respect, no more war...please take a moment right now, and add your own personal wish for peace. We beat drums and sang around the campfire.

The dawn brought sounds of birds awakening us in a canopy of leaves. Natural surroundings soothed our senses and reminded us of a different, slower pace. We met at the fire ring for a worship sharing around the Family Commitment for Peace. We read aloud the FAVAN (see description inside) commitment and responded individually to items we were moved by or found challenging. We were presented with a conflict at this worship sharing which was a gift to us, because we used the conflict that arose as the "STUFF" for practicing the use of a new model for resolving conflicts called Major/Minor and Equivalency: Uprooting Violence, by Pat Patfoort.

I presented the concept that violence is present (or it's potential is present) whenever there is a situation of a major party and a minor party. That means one person or institution has more power than another. Power needs to be equivalent for creating peace. NOT EQUAL because our conflicts arise out of our DIFFERENCES and because we have differences we can't be the SAME, that kind of EQUAL won't work. But acknowledging our differences we can be EQUIVALENT. We can be empowered. We are responsible then, to express when we feel in a minor or major position. We are also responsible to try to state the foundation of why we feel in that position. The foundation of feeling in a minor position is naming our feelings, beliefs, values or Truths that are related to our differences. We avoid stating any arguments (in favor of our own, or against another's position ) regarding what we are in conflict about. We spent the afternoon stating our own beliefs, values, and truths about the conflict that arose at worship sharing. We each stated at least ten of these and caught each other whenever we would slip into using arguments.

We broke up the practice with light and livelys and of course followed the ground rules we had set up earlier. It felt to me like a very Quakerly way to speak about heartfelt conflict. We didn't hurry, we took our time. We heard everyone who wanted to be heard. The sharing was deep and heartfelt. We got to know each other in a new way. Understanding spread through the room. Compassion followed. This was followed by brainstorming solutions that addressed as many beliefs, values, and truths as possible. The solutions generated were appropriate for use in our home Meetings as well as by us as a group at Shiloh. For example, one solution was for us to send a page about expectations of behavior for children to each participant whenever a Meeting or group involves families in a camp setting. Questions like "Is Meeting for Worship Voluntary when there's no supervision?" were addressed.

The evening ended with a campfire fed by pictures of times and conflicts we'd like to forgive ourselves or others for--we each one at time took our pictures and burned them as we let go of old hurts and were filled with forgiveness. We celebrated with joyous songs led by Margo Lehman and the usual marshmallows.

The final day of retreat began with Meeting. We enjoyed an intergenerational day of costume relays, machine building and affirmation flags for families. We closed with ideas for DAILY PRACTICE and an evaluation.

I believe that daily practice in one of the following areas: affirmation, communication, bias awareness, cooperation, problem solving or major/minor awareness will create a spiritual basis for conflict resolution and have experienced my own personal transformation through this kind of daily practice. When I head out the door in the morning it is my goal to practice one of these areas...I say it out loud. I try very hard to speak out that day in an intentional way to practice my skills. Those around me have expressed gratitude for the affirmations, listening, or attention to my minor position that I have expressed through this practice. This has become a practical spiritual exercise for me and I am grateful to my teachers, Jane Mannring, Mardy Burgess, Pat Patfoort and scores of others who have guided me carefully along this path.